My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
