we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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