hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
