I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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