you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
