I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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