I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
