I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
