toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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