So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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