I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
