Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
