Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
