community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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