I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize