All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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