don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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