I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
