Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
