Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
