checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize