I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
