I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize