i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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