First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
