I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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