I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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