Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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