she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Let's get the cat blown out
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
