if i can run in heels then i can drive
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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