There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
