Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
