Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
