Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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