alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize