I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
