my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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