but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
