The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
