I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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