If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
