Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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