but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You're earring is so big in my mouth
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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