she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
