Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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