I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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