hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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