Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Acid is not a monday night drug
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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