Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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