There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
