Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You're like the curious george of whores
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
