Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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