hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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