I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
